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坐在漆黑的廁所, 2021 Curling Up in the Dark Toilet, 2021

林耕舞 Kengwu Yerlikaya

作品名稱 Title| 坐在漆黑的廁所 , 2021 Curling Up in the Dark Toilet, 2021 尺寸 Dimension| digital, 16:9 媒材 Medium| 複合媒材 mixed media 作品介紹 Description| 有很長的一段時間我回想起童年最讓我安心的時刻,竟然是蹲坐在漆黑的廁所,看著百葉窗透進的光。 然而再怎麼靜謐與安全,也都是短暫的,躲在裡面,燈被關掉,也只是父親在等著我們就範,以為我們會怕黑求饒,可是最後,還是會被他破門而入。 媽媽會坐在餐桌哭著掉眼淚唸佛經,她是我們全家唯一有信仰的人。 撥了那通電話的那個晚上,我的背上多出一個紫色圓形的瘀青,是被一隻按摩槌打出來的,那隻槌也是紫色的,我記得洗澡時,我看著鏡中的瘀青在想像,是那個按摩槌的紫色染上了我的背。 很多年以後,我們從來沒有人,有勇氣去提起「暴力」在這個家是怎麼被停止的,但父親輕蔑的提到,他們有一段時間週末被迫去上輔導課,他淡淡的說了一句: 「我們也都是被打到大的,怎麼以前就都沒問題。」 又是我的錯了,我知道他言下之意,是我這個草莓族世代的軟弱,經不起暴力,擋不住壓力。我那瘀青的傷口在他眼中竟也只像一粒草莓擋不住任何一點輕觸,軟爛凹陷的一抹深色果肉。 For the longest time, if I ever recalled the most reassuring moment of my childhood, it will be the time when I was curled up in a dark toilet and staring at the light from behind the door’s blinds. However, no matter how eased or safe it is now, it is short-lived. Hiding inside the toilet with the lights off, was just that my father is waiting for me to obey, thinking that I will be afraid of the darkness and begging for mercy, but in the end, he will always still break into the door. Mother would sit at the dining table crying and reciting Buddhist scriptures. She is the only one in our family who is religious. On the night I finally made the call to the Hot Line for Domestic Violence, there was a purple round bruise on my back. It was made with a massage mallet. The mallet was also in the colour purple. I remember that night when I took a bath, I looked in the mirror imagining that it was the colour of the massage mallet that stained my back. Many years later, none of us dared to mention how the violence was stopped in this home, but my father contemptuously mentioned that they were forced to go to counselling classes on weekends for a while, and he added lightly: "We were all beaten to grow up, how come it was not a problem before." It was my fault again then. I knew what he meant. He was accusing the weakness of my generation, that could not withstand violence and could not handle pressure. My bruised wound in his eyes was barely like a strawberry, which could not bear any light touch, a soft and sunken dark flesh.