174cm’s A4 白紙、原子筆 174cm’s A4 white paper, pen
Having the worst relationship with my father, we have barely spoken to each other my entire life. There was a secret between us that made our lives fall apart, a secret that I had been hiding my entire of life.
My parents worked so hard in life to save money, to be able to send their children to study aboard, in hopes for a better future for the next generation. They have never been to U.K, never experienced such a different and diverse culture so how can I even share my new life perspective with them?
Last summer, I flew back home to take care of my father as he was having a severe heart operation. During the month whilst accompanying him at the hospital, I kept thinking that if he were to make it through this, I ought to truly treasure him, make up for lost time and rebuild our relationship.
However, before all of that, there is a crucial problem I need to deal with, which is letting him know who I actually am.
I came out to my parents as a homosexual, after gathering all of my courage. No drama, there were no tears, no fights, no arguments but more than that; no acceptance. My Father looked at me firmly, and told me: “your own happiness is not important, as the only son of the family, your destiny is to bring me a grandson.”
Of course, these were the words I had always anticipated to hear from him, in response to me letting go of my greatest secret, what else could I expect?
My studies would soon start again. I flew back to London, a place people told me that I can be whatever I want; I can do whatever I want. Does this kind of freedom really apply to me? Am I deserving of all of this? Building conflicting lives within myself; one true, the other false. Forever living with a weight on my shoulders that I will never be able to truly fulfil their expectations. Maybe I should not be too selfish, shouldn’t I try harder for them and ‘become’ heterosexual?
I feel trapped and totally blank, not sure how can I picture my future life anymore. Therefore, do me a favor, please. Take a piece of paper from the pile. Then be brave for me. Picture and draw your own perspective of life on it, either keep it, or you can kindly share it with me by leaving it next to the pile.
Be creative, be courageous be all the things you know you are capable of.